How to take a bribe without getting caught

From Brett Arends writing at MarketWatch.com:

You work for a big non-governmental organization somewhere like Switzerland, and you’ve been taking bribes for years...

Why is it so hard to conduct a little honest graft? What’s the world coming to?

If you’re lining your pockets, here are your seven smart financial steps to make sure you get to retire to a mansion — and not the Big House.

ONE. Keep your loot out of the banks.

Do not accept your bribes by wire transfer. Do not accept a check. And if you’re handed a suitcase full of cash, do not go to your local branch of Zurich Graft & Loot and fill out a deposit slip either.


TWO. Go easy on the U.S. dollars.

You want a diversified portfolio of cash. That includes New Zealand and Australian dollars, Norwegian and Swedish krone, euros, pounds sterling, Singaporean dollars, Polish zloty, and Russian rubles.

Diversify, diversify, diversify!


THREE. Buy lots of precious metals and jewels.

Once again, diversify. Silver and platinum have industrial uses. Their prices are typically more volatile than that of gold. You can easily buy coins and ingots in gold, silver, platinum, rhodium and palladium. When it comes to diamonds, go for one-carat “D-Flawless” stones.


FOUR. Launder your money… by spending!

Luxury cruises. Expensive meals. The best of everything. Live for the moment. And pay cash.

Oh, and make sure you throw out all your receipts. No one can prove anything.


FIVE. Shut up.

No one can catch you with a secret wire if you don’t say anything.

Admit nothing!


SIX. Get that second passport.

But the best passport for you has to be a Russian one. Say what you like about Vladimir Putin, but he’s the one person who couldn’t care less what Uncle Sam thinks.


SEVEN: Be ready.

Think Jason Bourne. The best money advice of all is to keep it in a bag you can throw over your shoulder and go.

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Link: http://www.marketwatch.com/story/attention-fifa-heres-how-to-take-a-bribe-without-getting-caught-2015-05-29/print